Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Adam Koziol's LiveJournal:

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Friday, May 23rd, 2008
6:32 pm	You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. So it's been along time since I've updated. Long story short I'm married and due to be a father in September. Any questions? As far as the title of this post goes, I never thought I'd see the day where I'm the villain in every aspect of my life. Personal, work, family, friends I feel like no matter what the situation I'm the bad guy. Bad husband, bad son, bad friend, bad everything. Coming soon is bad father. I guess I should have done the former a long time ago. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Going under by Evanescence (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 12th, 2007
9:56 pm	Sometimes I get the feeling the world left us behind a long time ago After two months of silence it's time for an update. No time for introduction so just diving right in. Major sleeping problems. I have no idea why. I don't know if it's because I have stuff on my mind or what but I have great difficulty staying asleep. If I stay asleep for four consecutive hours thats a victory. It even happens on weekends which is unbelievably frustrating. Any ideas on how to remedy this would be most appreciated. Cedar Point was a blast and the trip was great aside from a few bad parts. The Millenium Force still terrifies me to no end but I suppose it's part of the appeal. The Maverick is ludicrous and is my new favorite ride. Can't wait to go back. For those that didn't know I got a second tattoo I have a picture of it posted on my myspace. I don't care what people think because theres a meaning to it for me and thats all that matters. I think I have definite issues with my neck. Sleeping on the ground definitely didn't help and neither did the Maverick but I think there's a problem. I was running the other day and both my left foot and left hand started going numb and my neck has been quite troublesome as of late. I don't know if the two are related but I think so. I've kinda been avoiding my father and I'm not sure why. If he calls the house and I see it's him on the caller id Iwon't pick it up. If I hear a message on the machine I won't call back. There's no animosity I just don't want to talk to him. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe it's some kind of subconscious manifestion or residual resentment or a subconscious fear of disappointing him. Or I'm just a bad son. One of those three. I really need to make some kind of change with my life. I have no idea what. Any suggestions would be helpful. I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhogs day and I am really not very happy about it. I'm still single. Call me ladies. Keep it real my people. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Enter Sandman by Metallica (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
11:28 pm	At last one of them has understood. So I meant to write this update about a week ago because it would have made more sense but thats okay. I got some of the best advice last week that I've ever gotten in my life. It was almost surreal that they were able to see right what the problem was and give me such good advice. Now I just have to implement it.. In a bit of unrelated news I'm sure everyone knows Transformers is coming out soon. Well finally Hollywood is going to make a live action movie of the cartoon series we all want to see. Thats right they're doing a Thundercats movie!!!! This is terrific. Now if we can just get some TV channel to bring back American Gladiators we'll be one step closer to all being right with the world. Current Mood: dorky Current Music: My Immortal by Evanescence (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 29th, 2007
10:48 pm	Now that, my friend, is a shared moment. So I went to go see Blades of Glory last night and I had a great time. It was the most fun I've had in a while and it had very little to do with the movie (which was good but nowhere near as good as some of Will Ferrel's other movies but thats another subject for another time), it was all about the company. I've been in a funk for quite a long time and last night was the first time out in a social situation where I was actually having fun as opposed to just doing something. Whether that was due to who to the company I was in or it's a sign that my little funk is over remains to be seen but it was great nonetheless. In other news I may finally be ending my stand against......cell phones. Thats right you heard it here first, I am looking into getting a cell phone (man I feel like such a sellout). Finally Spider-man 3 comes out on friday and I am goint to see it thursday night and am unbelievably excited. Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: My Immortal by Evanescence (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 15th, 2007
10:51 pm	You ever feel like you're alone in the universe? I guess thats kind of how I feel now. It's like I'm out in the middle of the ocean with no life jacket watching a boat sail away in the distane. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can't turn to the people who I normally turn to and I don't know why. Why is it I fail at everything I attempt? Even the stuff where I have good intentions and it's a good thing to do I fail. The only thing I was ever really good at was being a student and that drove me crazy. I've been mediocre at best at pretty much everything else I've tried to be or do. Now after my latest failure I'm pretty much back at square one and have pretty much no idea what to do next. I feel like my brain is going to explode. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Almost by Bowling for Soup (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 10th, 2007
12:30 am	Anyone who spends a significant amount of time with me finds me disagreeable. Sometimes in life things simply are the way they are. There's no point in fighting to change them because they can't be changed. I'm feeling incredibly angry right now and theres really no reason why which is strange because usually if I get this angry theres at least a focal point to it. But today I'm just angry with everybody and nobody, everything and nothing. I suppose being angry is better than being depressed though. What have I become my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end. And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt. Current Mood: enraged Current Music: A little too late by Toby Keith (Comment on this)
Monday, January 1st, 2007
11:16 pm	Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let Go!! So thankfully the holidays are over now. People ask why I don't like Christmas and I always tell them. I hate winter, I hate shopping, I hate Christmas music (I swear if I heard Mariah Carey's All I want for Christmas is You one more time I would've stabbed myself in the ears.) and the food ruins my diet. Mostly I don't like the Holidays because my family (unintentionally and probably unknowingly) makes me feel like I'm a worthless piece of shit. So to do deal with that I've decided my basic New Years Resolution is going to be to just TRY and Let Go. Theres just a lot of things keeping me from making any progress in my life. Doubt, fear, anger, sadness, worrying what other people think, the past etc. I've got to try and get rid of these things because it's breaking me down slowly but surely no matter how much I try to deny that they aren't. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Saving Me by Nickelback (Comment on this)
Monday, November 20th, 2006
1:59 am	There are days when I believe and others where I have lost all hope. I'm tired. I'm tired of being a loser. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired of pretending I'm not tired. I'm tired of not mattering. I'm tired of not being appreciated. I'm tired of feeling like I need to be appreciated. I'm tired of being a walking talking joke. I'm tired of feeling like nothing will be good enough. I'm tired of doing nothing because I feel like nothing I do will be good enough. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of thinking about the past. I'm tired of having to lie to my father when he asks if theres anything wrong. I'm tired of acting like things are fine. I'm tired of feeling different. I'm tired of being a fool. I'm tired of being an asshole. I'm tired of being my own worst enemy. I'm tired of not being able to admit these things to myself or anybody else. I'm tired of being me. Current Mood: drained Current Music: Saving me by Nickleback (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, November 3rd, 2006
2:35 am	You can't change who people are without destroying who they were. Well I figure it's about time for my fateful readers to get another update on my life. I bet you're all wondering whats new in my life and fear not I shall tell you. Nothing. Nothing is new in my life. The only thing that changes in my life is my weight (down to 197 and still losing woooooooooo).I need to make a change in my life and do something but the problem is that I can't. Everyday I sit down at my computer, try to do my resume and something inside of me just shuts off. Seriously I try to do it every single day amd I don't know why but I can't bring myself to do it, which means I'll probably have to spend most of the upcoming holiday season talking to my relatives about how I don't have a job or anything on the horizon. That should be fun. Maybe I can just skip all holiday family functions. I might be able to pull that off. I'm starting to get the sense that I'm a burden around the house. I think my family is slowly starting to realize that I'm worthless and don't do much. Though I could fool em but they've figured me out lol. It feels like I'm wasting my life and I probably am but I don't know what to do. I'm fucking clueless and there's no one who I can turn to and ask for advice. Plus even if there was I generally have a problem asking for help. However at this point if anyone has any suggestions I'd be glad to hear them. Just as long as te suggestions are not something blatantly obvious like get a job I'm open to it. With the exception of go back to school. If someone tells me to go back to school I may just punch you in the brain. Okay not really but I don't even want to hear it. By the way I apologize if this comes across as whining because it's not meant to be. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Better Than Me by Hinder (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
1:55 pm	You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. I feel lost...I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore and I have no fucking clue what to do about it. I'm stuck and I don't know the way out. I'm just blindly stumbling and bumbling my way through my life. Then there's the whole stupid fucking job situation. Everybody's pushing me and pressuring me and ragging me and making stupid comments about it. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know how to figure that out. I'm too scared to move forward on anything and everybody still just keeps piling on I don't even know if I'm capable of succeeding in the "real world" and everybodys trying to throw me in that direction. I don't know what to do. I've been told I lead a boring life by two separate people in the past twenty four hours. It's true and I accept that. I'm not good with changing my life. I don't deal well with change. I mean seriously. I've worked at the same jobs for 6 years. I don't do well with change and I know that change is inevitable but I try to fight it for as long as I can. I think this is a suitable update for today. Now you know that I'm a lost, boring coward who fears change. Current Mood: distressed Current Music: The Rescue by American Hi-Fi (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
12:03 pm	I did this. And at least I can do something about it now.. Yes I know this is another update nobody cares about. Yes I'm going to write about it anyways. But I promise this will be the last one for a while. I had an epiphany yesterday while laying on the floor. I'm responsible for this situation. I'm the one who got my hopes. I'm the one who played games with my head. I was seeing things that weren't there. I was interpreting things the way I wanted to because I wanted something to happen. So I realized there's only one thing I could do. I told her that we can't be friends anymore because it hurts me too much and because I can't put my feelings aside. I didn't want to but I think it's the only way to stop the pain. It hurts now but in the long run I think it'll be best for me. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: My Wish by Rascal Flatts (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
3:33 am	She LIKED me. She liked ME. SHE liked me... At least I think she did. Well it's been about ten days since my last blog post and I'm sure at least some of you are curious after that emotion packed update. Well you probably don't give a shit but humor me at least. I'm not nearly as angry as I was. The events of this past week are a big part of that. With what happened I was more concerned with other things and realized I probably shouldn't even bother thinking about it. But I am thinking about it and I am still angry and confused. I think about it and get really pissed and then I get pissed because I'm thinking about it and then I get even more pissed because I'm pissed off. I'm sick of thinking about it. I don't want to think about her. I dont want to replay the whole thing over and over in my head. I'm sick of trying to figure out where this all went wrong. The only thing I can think of is that I was played for a fool. The problem is that doesn't make any sense. What would be the point of doing that? What would be gained from it? I know some people will say that it was for attention or just so that she knows I'm always there as a fallback but those don't make sense to me. Of course I am the one who's sitting here like a fool at 3:30 in the morning trying to figure this whole mess out so maybe those people are right. I just wish I knew one way or the other so I could just move on but seeing as how I don't expect to get any answers anytime soon this probably won't be the last time you have to read about how pathetic I am. It's all in my head. I think about it over and over again. And I can't keep picturing you with him. And it hurts so bad. Yeah cuz it's all in my head. I think about it over and over again. I replay it over and over again. And I can't take it I can't shake it no. Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Over and Over by Nelly and Tim Mcgraw (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 17th, 2006
9:20 pm	Women: Always leaving you after you've had the shit kicked out of you. I guess I should have seen this one coming. It looks like everybody else was right and I'm the one left in the dust looking like a fucking moron and having nobody but myself to blame. People told me I was just there as a fallback and I dismissed it. People told me that I was just being used because I would give attention. I dismissed it. Whether these are true or not I don't know but if I had to take a guess I'd say they were. I feel misled but thats how I normally end up feeling after this happens. I don't think it was an intentional misleading but thats how I feel. The one thing in my life right now that I KNEW I wanted. The only thing I was certain of in a future of uncertainty. I was ready to go to drastic measure just for the slim chance that I could attain it and it all blows up in my face as would be expected. It wouldn't be so bad if it hadn't been brewing for over two years. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't the third FUCKING time the same FUCKING thing happened to me. Theres an old saying: Who's the bigger fool? The fool or the fool who follows him? Well in this case I can tell you it's the fool who keeps falling for the same SHIT over and over and over. You know what the really FUCKED up thing is though? I'll probably end up falling for it again at some point because hey let's face it it's already happened twice. I was told I'm not ready for a relationship. I finally moved on and find out she still liked me. I write the infamous letter only to get a return letter saying guess what, I'm not ready for a relationship. Then I finally start accepting the fact that I would probably never see her or talk to her again and she pops back into my life and guess what she likes me. And then this happens so if the pattern holds around February I'll be finding out that she likes me. And then I'll be crushed once more. Just give up... that was the last meaningful thing said to me. I wish it were that FUCKING easy. Yeah just give up on the one thing you know you want. Just give up on something you've been wanting for two years. Just give up on something you were willing to uproot your life for a CHANCE at. Not the thing itself but a FUCKING CHANCE. You know just give up it's not that hard. I guess the choice isn't mine though. I have to give up. I've been made to submit, to surrender and I thought thats something I'd never do when it was about something I wanted. I don't think this would bother me this much if I knew it was because there were no feelings on the other end but there are unless I was lied to. It's not like I was asking for something to happen right now I just wanted a chance that there could be something. Just a chance thats it. I thought I could make her happy but apparently she didn't agree. It's kind of FUCKED up because theres a huge part of me that hopes she finds whatever she's looking for, forgets me and lives happily ever after. But there's another part of me that hopes that she looks back five or ten years from now and realizes that she made a huge mistake and that she has nothing but regret. That part probably just exists right now though. I hope she finds what she's looking for and that she lives happily ever after. Why? I care about her. Well after all this it's time to get my baseball bat out of the garage and start beating the crap out of the nearest tree. Or my skull. Hopefully the former but more than likely the latter. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
1:38 am	He turned from that path a long time ago. He has chosen exile. So I'm in a really weird mood so this will probably be a really weird update that will leave everyone shaking their heads and saying "What?". So basically it's just business as usual. I found out that I'm not as big of an idiot as I thought I was in my last post so thats always good news. Ever look back at certain periods of your life and know that they made sense at the time but when you look back the only question you ask is "What the fuck was I thinking?" I'm at a really weird point in my life. I have the freedom to do basically whatever I want but the only problem is I have no idea what I want. Well there is one thing I want but thats something thats not exactly within my control and I get the feeling it's not going to happen. The strange thing is that if it did happen I'd be scared out of my mind initially but I'd still welcome it. Weird ain't it? Lately I feel like Dante from Clerks (minus the two girls fighting over me of course). I've probably watched that movie like ten times in the past month and each time I'm just like, yup thats how I am or yup thats something I would do. Plus he worked at the Quickstop for like ten years and I've worked at the drive-in for six and the general consensus among my friends is that I'll be working there til I'm forty. I need sleep and I really really really need to do my resume tomorrow so I shall bid you goodnight my faithful reader(s). Current Mood: tired Current Music: Lips of an Angel by Hinder (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 6th, 2006
2:37 am	I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains. Well after nearly two months I'm finally posting an update. I know all of you have been breathlessly anticipating my next update. Unfortunately it will be a short night because its now quarter to five in the morning and I've just been sitting here thinking since I got home from work at 2:30. What have I been thinking about you ask? I'd type it out but I don't feel like rehashing it. If you're really that curious just ask and although I probably won't give you details I might just tell you the general topic. Lets just put it this way: I am an idiot (which I'm sure comes as a surprise to none of you but hey I never said this was going to be an earthshattering update) and I make really really really bad decisions. So whats happened in the last two months you ask well a few things 1. I did NOT get on Survivor 2. I lost about 20 pounds 3. I still don't have a real job 4. I have not had any alcoholic beverages (well at least until I grab about ten beers so I can forget about tonight before I go to bed. Until next time Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: The Rescue by American Hi-Fi (Comment on this)
Friday, June 16th, 2006
11:56 am	I think I'm just going to lie here for a moment and collect my thoughts. So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I've come to a conclusion. Each person's life is like a path. Everyone takes a different route (most of the time ending up in the same destination but thats a topic for another blog). Sometimes people will be taking the same route as you for a while and then all of a sudden head off in a new direction. Sometimes people who took a different direction suddenly pop up on the same path as you. You can never predict when people will head off in their own direction or start going the same way that you are. You never know when you'll cross paths with someone you thought you'd never cross paths with again. Sometimes you have to walk the path alone and sometimes everybody will be going in the same direction you are, but if you spend too much time worrying about what everyone else is doing you end up not advancing at all. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Life is a Highway by Rascal Flatts (Comment on this)
Monday, May 15th, 2006
1:08 am	I don't know how to put this...but I'm kind of a big deal. So I reread yesterdays entry and I don't like how I described the "new weight". It's not a weight at all. It's a journey and who knows where its gonna take me. Life can get crazy and thats half the fun. You never know what will happen next. I don't know whats gonna happen but I'm gonna try to enjoy it. I mean I've got some stuff going for me and I'm sure I can make something good happen. And if not then at least I know I tried. Current Mood: rejuvenated Current Music: Collide by Howie Day (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 13th, 2006
3:22 pm	It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart So here I sit.............officially done with school. Turned my last paper in yesterday. Now I just have to go through the ceremony and I'm 100% done with school. It's like a weight has been lifted But now a new weight has replaced it. What the hell do I do now? Sure I've got options, work,maybe some volunteer stuff for a year, build a shack in the wilderness somewhere and live off the land. For the first time in my life I can do whatever I want. I've been imagining some pretty elaborate scenarios. I'm sure whatever I choose some people won't agree with it but thats okay. I'm used to doing things without anybodys support so it won't bother me. Current Mood: groggy Current Music: Going Under by Evanescence (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 6th, 2006
2:26 am	I lost it. I lost it all- faith, dignity... about 15 pounds. You know what. I came to a realization today. I really don't care about anything anymore. I really don't. I haven't cared about school for a while. I damn sure don't care about my future. I really could care less about anything. It just doesn't matter. I dont really know why but at this point.... you guessed it I don't give a shit. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Hurt by Johnny Cash (Comment on this)
Monday, April 24th, 2006
12:55 am	Whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant. You know...........I can't count how many times I've come onto this with the intention of just letting all my thoughts out. Then I get to start writing it......and I for one reason or another I don't. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to be all woe is me it's just that writings always been a good way for me to get things out and I've found writing a blog is actually far more secure for me than writing something handwritten. I was doing some thinking today and I realized something. Everybody's always looking to the future... and thats the last thing I want to look towards. Its like if everybody had a time machine they'd warp ahead to the future......and I'd go back to the past. I don't even know what I'm looking back towards. It's just all very strange. Current Mood: nervous Current Music: Savin me by Nickelback (Comment on this)